Over my time I have read many websites and books and spoken to many people who suffer from anxiety and depression along with the plethora of “gifts” mental health likes to bestow on people. What I do know is that it is different for everyone, therefore how I experience things and cope with them is very different to how anyone else would. This isn’t to say my way is right or wrong, it just means that my anxiety is driven by very different things than anyone else’s.
I am in my 40s, have been through a multitude of shite that until recently I didn’t really talk about with anyone, which has developed over the years into anxious thoughts and behaviours accompanied with OCD and a little bit of social awkwardness if anyone dares to try and be anything more than someone I have sarcastic banter with.
I currently have pink and silver hair (nothing to do with mental health – I just like colour), I have 80 tattoos and a full time job in the IT industry. I write about art and love creativity so do as many creative things as I can.
I have an overwhelming need to help people I care about (not so much for those that I don’t), and I have a huge fear of not being good enough or acceptable, and that those I care about will see through the facade of me doing good things, to seeing that really I am not that great.
I have been described as intimidating, and for some people I can see why that is the case, as I have a need to understand how things work, and I am very good at articulating my point, which in turn can make me seem abrupt to the point of rude at times, but for those who truly know me, they will tell you that I am mostly bark and very little bite.
I am not writing this site for sympathy, more as a documentation of my process through cognitive behavioral therapy, because it has taken me a very long time to want to do this, frankly I am scared of what will be uncovered in this process, and I am sure that there are many of you that will feel the same. It is hard to talk to someone about things that have happened and to feel that they aren’t casting judgment on you.
I am going to finish this introduction to this site by saying that I am on about session four of my therapy, and I am being encouraged to write things down as it helps to work through it (for me). I am going to try not to make this a totally depressing ride for anyone reading, but be aware that there could be trigger points in my articles and there could be things that make you feel uncomfortable, believe me, they make me feel uncomfortable too. I will try and call these out at the start of the articles.
I joke a lot about things as I find it helps to deflect from what is really going on in my head, I am also a master of distracting people with other subjects so that I don’t have to talk about me, so this is a totally new thing for me to write only about me.
I hope that this helps someone else to face their issues and get the help that they deserve. I am told (and I say it regularly to other people) that there is no shame in getting help…unless you are me in which case I feel horrible about getting help as I should be able to cope by myself…but that is why I am here right?