Over my time I have read many websites and books and spoken to many people who suffer from anxiety and depression along with the plethora of “gifts” mental health likes to bestow on people. What I do know is that it is different for everyone, therefore how I experience things and cope with them is very different to how anyone else would. This isn’t to say my way is right or wrong, it just means that my anxiety is driven by very different things than anyone else’s.
I am in my 40s, have been through a multitude of shite that until recently I didn’t really talk about with anyone, which has developed over the years into anxious thoughts and behaviours accompanied with OCD and a little bit of social awkwardness if anyone dares to try and be anything more than someone I have sarcastic banter with.
I currently have pink and silver hair (nothing to do with mental health – I just like colour), I have 80 tattoos and a full time job in the IT industry. I write about art and love creativity so do as many creative things as I can.
I have an overwhelming need to help people I care about (not so much for those that I don’t), and I have a huge fear of not being good enough or acceptable, and that those I care about will see through the facade of me doing good things, to seeing that really I am not that great.
I have been described as intimidating, and for some people I can see why that is the case, as I have a need to understand how things work, and I am very good at articulating my point, which in turn can make me seem abrupt to the point of rude at times, but for those who truly know me, they will tell you that I am mostly bark and very little bite.
I am not writing this site for sympathy, more as a documentation of my process through cognitive behavioral therapy, because it has taken me a very long time to want to do this, frankly I am scared of what will be uncovered in this process, and I am sure that there are many of you that will feel the same. It is hard to talk to someone about things that have happened and to feel that they aren’t casting judgment on you.
I am going to finish this introduction to this site by saying that I am on about session four of my therapy, and I am being encouraged to write things down as it helps to work through it (for me). I am going to try not to make this a totally depressing ride for anyone reading, but be aware that there could be trigger points in my articles and there could be things that make you feel uncomfortable, believe me, they make me feel uncomfortable too. I will try and call these out at the start of the articles.
I joke a lot about things as I find it helps to deflect from what is really going on in my head, I am also a master of distracting people with other subjects so that I don’t have to talk about me, so this is a totally new thing for me to write only about me.
I hope that this helps someone else to face their issues and get the help that they deserve. I am told (and I say it regularly to other people) that there is no shame in getting help…unless you are me in which case I feel horrible about getting help as I should be able to cope by myself…but that is why I am here right?
The Devil's Playground 
Presently reading through random blogs about CBT, and very glad to have stumbled upon your post; nothing as juicey as a personal story eh. One of my objectives is to stay abreast with this form of psychotherapy, mainly for my own sense of wellbeing. Your courage and ability to articulate yourself impresses me. This alone may help you through the initial process of therapy. For me, my personal CBT orientation, the emphasis is placed on daily taming and/or training myself to be less reactive. From this state of mind it’s easier for me to maintain an equanimous disposition, which helps me to respond more constructively to situations. My other focus rests upon language use. Once my writing or conversations start to take on a more extreme tone, then that often serves as a slippery ground. Modifying the way we use language can be ever so challenging in the beginning but eventually it becomes easier, even fun at times. For instance, to say that you ‘feel HORRIBLE about getting help’ and that you ‘SHOULD be able to cope’ are good indicators that you have yet to implement the basics of CBT. This kind of negative talk pervaded my thinking for years on end and kept me entombed in depression for a good part of it. Letting go of this deadend form of perceiving reality can be likened to breathing fresh air after spending one’s life underground. In other words if you keep working at it then you’ll likely begin to feel a lot better about life within weeks. The short of it, writing and meditation has been the most effective CBT tools in my recovery kit.
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Hey, thanks for responding, I actually wasn’t expecting anyone to read this, that early on.
I’m very aware that language plays a massive role in CBT, and as I’m documenting the journey, I am trying to be as honest as possible. My other writing is far less negative, but it is not about me.
Would openly appreciate the support and encouragement to keep me going with this, as I very much waiver between wanting to move past a lot of this, to wanting to compartmentalise it again and hide it all away.
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The notion of documenting your journey sounds like a constructive one. All the power to you. Once we get our thoughts out of our head and unto paper, then we have something substantial to work with. What you are writing here looks good to me; nothing negative about it at all. Keep up the good work. Will try to drop by once a week to read at least a few paragraphs of your content and possibly leave a reply. Not making any promises though so please take no offence if you don’t hear from me. On the other hand, a golden nugget of CBT is that we learn to validate ourselves from the inside. In other words you have to take full responsibility for your progress. For instance, not all CBT therapists are cut out for working with all sorts of people. You may have to stumble around in the dark for a while yet. However your journey has just begun. One day at a time, one issue at a time, one bite at a time, you can inch your way out of any tangle.
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