So… it’s been a while since I wrote here. Partially because I have been fighting my demons and partially because I have been sticking my head in the sand.
Therapy has been ultimately fine, although it does leave me with a hollowness and a realisation on how little some things matter.
Some feel that the key to acceptance is nothingness, that once we realise nothing matters, then we can see either just the beauty or pain that is in the moment, we neither live in past or future, but solely in the moment…Which I find quite a nihilistic view.
The trouble with forgetting the meaning behind things is that it then becomes perfunctory to your narrative of life.
Today, I have had the realisation that I have always been second best to people around me. Be it friends… who just want something from me because of my good nature, family who were surprised by my existence, or people who are closer that indicate that while I’m “great” there are other things in the way.
This may sound selfish, which in real life I’m not, but hey I have to vent this somewhere, but do I get a turn at being first for a change?
My self esteem says no… so maybe I need to just accept that maybe being number one to someone is perfunctory to life in general, and taking joy in others happiness should be what I get my kicks out of.
This has me on the brink of one of the very darkest of places. That place which feeds my addiction to the life narrative that I am actually nothing. Where everything I do is less that what it should be and things I say are unheard and meaningless.
The devil is on the roundabout calling my name…